The weather is pretty today, not a cloud in the sky! I just laid around and did absoultly nothing. That's the first time I have been able to do that in a long time and it felt great. Life seems to be really turning around for me and I couldnt be happier.

 Since everyone is graduating it's really got me to thinking....

I need to worry about where I'm going in life. I mean I do to a certain extent but at the same time I have no real goals. I have general goals but those are only going to get me so far. I know I need to graduate but the thought of getting out and getting a REAL job terrifies me like crazy. I'm so afraid that I will fail. Im afraid of falling on my face and being hopeless. I try not to voice these fears very often because I know Im going to have to work through them but at the same time the fear inside takes over and I feel like Im drowning. How crazy is that? It makes no sense but at the same time it does.....

It took me so long to adjust to new friends and new places and now that I feel that Im content with where I am all of my friends are going on to bigger and better things and I only have 1 year left of school. Im happy for my friends....I really am.... Its just so hard for me to find a comfort zone and I almost feel it's being ripped away. I do however feel that I have learned some skills to help me through my anxity and I will be able to make new friends next semester.

Pray for me........

I haven't posted anything in a Loooong time.

Life is going good I suppose. School is coming to an end and all my friends are leaving and that's never cool but I have to learn to be indepentent. I'm convinced I might very well die without them but I guess it's one of those things you need to learn to deal with. I can't change it and I can't stop time so....
 Relationship wise things are going very well. I can't remember the last time I was happy. Jesse understands how I feel about things and he actually gives a damn if something happens to me which is a very pleasant change. We also have a lot more in common which helps. Eric and I never really had much in common. Come to think of it Im not very sure anymore why Eric and I got together. Jesse and Eric are like night and day which ( of course) is a good thing. It's just hard for  me to adjust to someone actually treating me like a decent human being. I think I have fallen hard for Jesse. I don't really guess theres a time limit that these things are suppose to happen and I know that we havent dated that long but I can't help how I feel. Sometimes I compare my current relationship with my last one. Im not sure if thats good or bad. I remember that I didn't feel this strongly for Eric this soon so Im wondering what all this is suppose to mean. I wish there was some kind of manual that people could read and it just tell you what your suppose to do and how your suppose to feel.

 1. I'm alive, I have no dangerous illness that will kill me at a young age and I am reasonably healthy.
2. I have the smartest toddler alive! Ok, so maybe I think more of her than most people but....if you have ever met her you know she's smart. I have played so much Japanese music that she's starting to sing the songs. I CAN'T EVEN DO THAT!
3. I have a family that loves me. I could have people that don't want me around.

There are other reason's to have a good day I just can't see them right now I suppose. I have let so much anger get to me that I can't see past it anymore. I would be alright if I had some way of dealing with it but I just can't seem to find that one thing that helps me out. 

I'll just keep telling myself tomorrow will be better!

HAPPY THOUGHTS HAPPY THOUGHTS HAPPY THOUGHTS!!!!!!

I just feel the need to vent. There are some things that I don't understand. I have had alot of problems with my beliefs because of events that have happened in my life. I started to doubt my faith after my grandmother died and it seems like since then things keep happening to make me doubt what I have been taught all my life. I have done a lot of things that I'm not proud of but I wouldn't replace them none the less. Example of this would be sex before marriage. I know it was wrong and I have been taught all my life that it's wrong but if I hadn't of done it I would not have Karley and there is nothing in this world that I wouldnt do for that little girl. The next thing in life that brings on so much doubt is Eric. I hate what he has done to me. I don't understand why things went so badly with us. Why would God let me believe in him so much and then let him let me down? Why does he act the way he does? Why do I always break my back to be nice to him and all I get is shit. I know we wont ever be like we were before but why all the hate. I have VERY reason anyone could ever think of to hate him but I don't. I talk alot of shit but I can't. I most certainly don't love him anymore and I sure as hell don't want a relationship with him but a friendship would be nice. Everytime we drop off or pick up karley there is always this feeling that is so overwhelming I can't even describe it. We use to love eachother and it's like he can't even fake a conversation with me and he is the sole reason we are where we are today. Does he not see that? Did I ever mean anything to him in the first place? I couldn't ever be first in his life but why can't karley? She means more to me than anyone will ever know and all she does is fight for Eric's attention. We went to the hospital and all she did was cry for daddy and he couldn't get off his ass to come 15 down the road to see her. I can't describe how I felt when she begged for him and he told her no. How can you create a person and then not give a damn about what happens to her? I know its not like a life or death situation but the fact that she was at the ER and begging for him and he never came to check on her?..... I don't understand why she doesn't mean as much to him as she does to me. It blows my mind. He can go with his fat, ugly pregnant girlfriend to see her stupid kids but he can't take one night out of the week to see his own? What the Fuck?!?!?! He puts more effort into other people and himself than he does her. All these questions that I'm never going to get answers to. I try so hard not to worry about it and put my faith back into God but it's like I wasn't good enough and so because she is part me she's not good either? I just don't understand. I know all this drama shouldn't bother me but it does. I always feel better after ranting and raving though. 

I never knew how much one person could love me until I had a child. She needs me. She wants to be with me every second of everyday and bless her heart she is the smartest four year old I have ever met. I know I'm her mother and I'm suppose to think that but when random strangers at the store hear her talking and they say the same thing,... you know you have a smart kid. So now she's in school. She is getting so big so fast and it kinda makes me sad. I know she has to grow up but I remember going through a phase where I hated my parents. I don't want Karley to be like that. I hoping that since we have been together for so long just the two of us that she wont have one of those phases... at least not with me. She can hate Eric all she wants and I wont give a rats ass about it. I have tried everything I can to let her make up her own mind about me and him and Im sure one day she will realize how he feels about her. It may hurt but she's going to realize that Mom is here for her and that I'm not going anywhere. 

I'm not sure what brought all this on. Just random thinking I suppose.